For in_loveless_memory.

[bloody_spy]

[Some conversations get personal quickly. But Nisei isn't emotionally invested enough in this one to mind. The serious look you're getting is mostly because he can tell that his smiles and lack of remorse were making you angry.]

[Nisei would emphatically reject the idea that he was forced. He is no one's victim. And he is Seimei's friend, even if it doesn't work both ways. That's normal, for a fighter, though it isn't something he's entirely comfortable with. Not caring is easier to explain than caring. It's a neutral space, in him, where you have a strong feeling. But he's not indifferent to what he did; he's undisturbed by it.]

[He wouldn't want you to insult Seimei, so he doesn't object. As long as you *know* you're letting your brother off the hook for, if anything, the more serious part of this, you aren't going to do anything too drastic to Nisei. As for being "sick" ...] I've been told that. But this is my true face, Ritsuka. I have many that get me in less trouble. But I don't have another one that's really me.

Comments

[bloody_spy]

[Dryly:] You may have noticed being sane is not a prerequisite for being a good weapon.

[What he'd like to say is Soubi beat me because you accepted him. He couldn't have done it alone. But he has several good reasons not to tell you that, beginning with the fact that it's probably true. Nisei saw Soubi's head sag, when he called the other fighter an impostor. He knows he could break that blank, just by making the most of his insecurities. But first, he'd need to separate him from you. It's not something he's planning on doing - not after Seimei decided that Soubi should be your fighter - it's just not a possibility that he's willing to sabotage, either. He's never cared who's the better fighter, so to the extent that your comment made him *want* to argue, it's because he has such a personal dislike for Soubi.]

[Nisei couldn't give you an unbiased opinion of why Seimei makes him feel whole even if he wanted to. He is the mirror image of your brother; more tampered-with, in places, less prone to odd delusions ... different in a hundred subtle ways. But the shock of recognition between them was indescribable, disconcerting on a level that threatened them both. Neither had ever looked at another human being before and thought "I know what you're trying to do, because you're me." Seimei denied it then and denies it still. In the long run, Nisei can't. His sacrifice is his highest truth - the only thing that's ever felt worth being loyal to. Seimei, on the other hand, might betray this just to prove that he can. Just to show himself that the only attachments he allows are the ones that he deliberately created. Knowing that and functioning anyway is ... something Nisei can't explain how he does, or why. And it's weird, because for all that Seimei can't - won't - be there for him, the way they relate in a day-to-day sense suits him perfectly. What he wants, Nisei is good at. What he's repelled by (like actually having to touch his fighter) would make them both uncomfortable. Seimei took Soubi's worship as his due, but he never appreciated it. Whereas Nisei, who despises that kind of groveling, gets some measure of respect. Because he never hesitates to ask for it. He's slightly more than a servant, even though in practice, he's considerably less than a friend. Nisei is ... someone your brother never has trouble relating to, vicious and awful as he is.]

[in_loveless_memory]

So then what's your excuse?

[He countered blandly. He didn't know how close Nisei had been to beating Soubi. Soubi had never lost after all. Not in front of him. Soubi was unbeatable even though they didn't share the same name and to Ritsuka, that meant more than he understood. However, Ritsuka still knew so little about the world of sacrifices and fighters. He still could only just barely call Soubi mentally and he couldn't think to do it naturally like so many could. He couldn't feel other pairs nearby or see the thread wrapped around him for more than a few minutes. How could he be a sacrifice? Why did they WANT him to be a sacrifice?

Who decided names and pairs anyways? Why did they have to fight? The rest of the world didn't seem to know about fighters and sacrifices, so what was even the point of having them? What did they do? What was the purpose of a sacrifice and fighter pair?

Why did Seimei belong to this world, and why were people like those teachers allowed to run it? He gazed at Nisei and his anger shifted and changed into something more like... disinterest. Not pity, he could never pity Nisei for anything. Although, he could just... not care. While Nisei could be the mirror image of Seimei in some aspects, so too could Ritsuka. Bored purple eyes gazed at Nisei as he regarded the whole... system that they were caught in.]

Why are you even fighting, Nisei?

[bloody_spy]

[You get a distinctly sharp look, feral and unwilling to be baited.] I only need an excuse when Seimei's displeased with me. Or did you think that the only fighter worth having is one who's never lost?

[Nisei's a bit taken aback by how much you don't understand, how much you don't see the point of.] If you mean why I'm in play right now, Seimei would be dead if he wasn't fully armed. Seven Moons is trying to kill him.

If you mean why I'm part of this whole underworld in the first place ... I'd suggest you try leaving, except you probably can't. They keep trying to drag you to the academy, don't they, every time Soubi's out of range. [Considers for a moment.] Let's just say they weren't, though, and you could tell Soubi to go away and let you be a normal boy. How long could you go through the motions before it all started to drive you crazy? Actually, let's start small. Have you tried to exist without a fighter, since Soubi showed up? You know, gone off with your outsider schoolmates ... tried to act like their lives are interesting and the things they worrry about actually matter. [Nisei raises an eyebrow, knowing full well which world you belong to, and that the more contact you have with this one, the harder it is to care about anywhere else.]

It's always a little awkward if your powers are taking their sweet time. And Soubi - can't match you right off the bat because he's a blank. You have to know what you want and shape him into an acceptable partner. But that doesn't make you any less of a sacrifice. [It just means you're doing the pair-bonding work with someone who took on your name, rather than being born with it. Someone whose presence won't hit you like a bolt of lightning, whose thread isn't coiled around your soul unless you put it there. Nisei suspects he knows why Seimei arranged that for you.]

[in_loveless_memory]

[Ritsuka knew that the academy was after him, and yes, Nisei was even right. They kept trying to drag him there at any opportunity. They were after Seimei too, Ritsuka had wanted nothing more than to discover who had murdered his brother... except his brother was alive. There was so much he didn't understand. But why was Seimei a part of it anyways? Soubi, Ritsu-sensei, all the teachers were so much older. It was an established system but for what? What was the purpose of this "underworld" as Nisei put it. Why FIGHT!

His ears twitched at Nisei's hypothetical. After Seimei had "died" and Soubi hadn't yet entered his life he had been lonely. He didn't want to interact with his classmates. He felt separate from them. He had gotten close to Yuiko and Yayoi, admittedly, but he didn't care about anyone else in his class. But he liked Yuiko and Yayoi. They were his friends. He was friends with Osamu. They had nothing to do with this world of fighters.

But did he prefer the world of fighters over the world of Yuiko? His eyes narrowed.]

Don't try to make me out to be you. [He hissed.] Just because you're incapable of functioning in both worlds and you've chosen the worlds of pointless fighting doesn't mean we all have. [But... was Nisei right? What about the other fighters. Natsuo and Youji hadn't attended the normal school until after meeting him. And Breathless? They seemed to live in the academy. What about their parents?

There were so many questions he had, and Soubi and no one else seemed to be able to answer them. Thanks to the mangaka not providing actual answers to said questions. Could he be away from Soubi now though? Now that he met the pervert he...]

[bloody_spy]

[Nisei is aware of the attempts at kidnapping, thanks to his spying on Ritsuka. But as that's not the only way he could know about it, he doesn't mind bringing it up. Seimei's reasons are, as always, unorthodox and personal. But he had a hereditary position of some importance at Seven Moons. And he was only three years younger than Soubi when he claimed him as his fighter, so while the age difference between him and Ritsu is very great, it's not pronounced between Semei and Soubi. Not since your brother reached his adult height, anyway. The system itself ... is too old and vast for Nisei to make sense of. It has an implacable, internal logic, but the direct connection, the "this is where we will stand, in relation to the whole" depends on the sacrifice.]

[Nisei isn't going to denigrate your having friends. It's just difficult to maintain interest in low-intensity social attachments, when you belong to an environment that would traumatize anyone normal. You were getting a little of that, from living with your mother's rages. There was something in your life that made the emotional ups and downs that bent other kids out of shape, at school, seem trivial and stupid. Seimei's "death" further separated you from them. But having a fighter, and still trying to be home before curfew, must be a whole other level of weird. You couldn't be yourself to begin with, couldn't share what you were going through even then. And now that you (finally) don't have to face it all alone, Soubi wants a relationship that's turned up to eleven. At least. Or better said, doesn't know how to exist without it. Where, exactly, does that leave your friends, Ritsuka? Do they even know you? But Nisei has the sense not to put you on the spot by asking.]

[It irks him that you think he chose to be a fighter, and think he's incapable of - ] You're assuming a lot. I manage out there. It's the ones that did well at Goura and actually believe they're objects that have trouble, if they have to interact much with outsiders.

There's nothing pointless about having magic in your blood. Your school's done a real number on you, if you don't understand fighting. That world doesn't have less violence. It's just concentrated in fewer hands. [Said with thinly-diguised contempt, for anyone who expects to be protected but thinks the weapon protecting them is a necessary evil at best. Nisei has had to fight since he was tiny, and thinks pacifism is an extremely stupid luxury.]

[in_loveless_memory]

Magic? Is that what you decide to call it? [He had yet to hear anyone call it anything other than just word spells. He supposed you could call it that. But at his demand about violence his eyes narrowed.] Don't think me naive just because I don't think violence is the answer to everything like you seem to. There are better ways and your thinking that there can't be anything other than violence and because you have power that just makes this world dangerous. It's stupid people with power, that school isn't any better for wanting to kill Seimei. Violence perpetuates violence. Seimei hides because they're trying to kill him, and then blinds Ritsu-sensei.

For someone who claims who "manages" don't you dare lie to me that you show people your true face. You lie otherwise that very violence you like to tout would be used on you all the time. [Because Ritsuka himself just wants to hit Nisei, he can only imagine the adults that want to do worse.] You aren't better than me because I try to make my mom happy when you just lie as a whole.

[bloody_spy]

I didn't decide to call it anything. But I can shatter steel just by talking to it. [And break people just as easily.] Word spells are magic.

Violence has limits. A lot of things can be worked out with more subtlety. But only as long as there's someone there, in the background, carrying the "or else." You haven't been forced into any number of things because Soubi's will is enforced with word spells. And the people you were around, before you met him, couldn't fight worth a damn. So your sharp tongue was weapon enough. [To Nisei, can't fight and I'm scared to are serious weaknesses, that outsiders gloss over with an abstract, generic objection to using force. They wouldn't survive Goura if their lives depended on it. Without Soubi, neither would you. But you need a lot more protection than a normal sacrifice would, because you're treating violence like an optional thing, that will only be used against you if you agree to play by those rules. And it isn't. It really isn't.]

Of course I don't show most people my true face. But if I've seen theirs, it's despite their best efforts to hide it. So how am I lying, Ritsuka? And anyway, if what I really am is singled out, I'm under no obligation to stand quietly and await punishment. [It's faintly sardonic.]

[in_loveless_memory]

[Ritsuka's reason for hating violence is different than Kio's. It isn't that he doesn't believe it exists and even as he says there's a better way, he knows sometimes it really does come down to violence. But he doesn't want to fight. He hates fighting and the pain it causes. He is susceptible to it daily and he knows how it hurts. Ritsuka has built up lie after lie to protect himself from his mother's abuse, his father's neglect, the world of fighters and sacrifices. He has to protect himself because even though he's been given new knowledge of this strange underworld, that knowledge has been put into a mind with an already shaky foundation. Soubi's mind is fragile from his abandonment but only Ritsu-sensei, Seimei, Nisei, and even Ritsuka were only the ones who could truly break him. Soubi was a blank fighter desperately seeking a sacrifice and from every loss, a part of him would break a bit more. But Ritsuka? Ritsuka was created broken. He had no memories of his past ten years. He had lies and abuse on every side of him. He had built walls to defend himself and his mind but those walls were easy to destroy.

Ritsuka was vulnerable to anyone that got into his walls. Not just his fighter, but anyone who really knew how to hit the right targets could get him to fall apart, could bring him to his knees.

And Ritsuka, on some level, knows that. He doesn't want to use violence. He doesn't want to see anymore get broken or destroyed. He wasn't scared of violence. He faced it daily and refused to run away from his mother or yell at his father. He just refused to allow that to be used on anyone else. It didn't make him naive. Despite knowing nothing of the world of fighters and sacrifices, he was not naive to how people treated one another and the cruelty in their souls. But he refused to believe that was the only thing in them. Yuiko was proof, Natsuo, Youji, Soubi... all of them despite born and raised for the world of fighters seemed just as content hanging out and enjoying spending time with other people. He took a deep breath.]

It doesn't always need an "or else." There are enough people in the world who genuinely want peace and actually have the power to bring it about. We are not just base creatures who exist only for violence.

[bloody_spy]

[You mean you're not, is right on the tip of his tongue. But he doesn't say it. You have enough reasons to hate him already. He goes with something less dismissive.]

If you're such a peaceful person, how come you're always two provocations away from looking like you want to hit me?

[[Mun is headdesking at Nisei's idea of "non-confrontational."]]

[in_loveless_memory]

Looking and doing it aren't actually the same though. And because it's you.

[bloody_spy]

[You get an eyeroll, at that.]

Okay, put it this way: a feeling that makes you leave me to Soubi's nonexistent mercy and chained to a wall isn't just your business. It's affecting me.

And really? I don't know why you have such a problem with me.

[in_loveless_memory]

Why should he show mercy to you? And if you don't like getting chained to walls, perhaps you shouldn't antagonize the one doing the chaining.

[bloody_spy]

He's not remotely the point. You are.

[Because you're the one rejecting violence, or trying to act like you have a problem with it. He doesn't expect mercy from Soubi, and Soubi couldn't expect it from him. But they're using roughly the same parameters on each other. And you're meta-criticizing something he can't see how you'd live without.]

[in_loveless_memory]

After all the crap you put me and my friends through, why would I decide to be nice to you. You thought I was a good boy as if you knew me. But you know nothing about what I'm really like.

[bloody_spy]

Really? What have I done to you, Ritsuka?

[The slightly puzzled, "I can't think of having done anything" look is perfect. He's willing to bet you don't know about the time he had that little talk with your mother. If you do, he'll find a way to justify it.]

[in_loveless_memory]

You were involved in the kidnapping of Kio-san. You tried to hurt Soubi, and you're near Seimei. [The last part is jealousy, but Ritsuka doesn't see it as such.]

[bloody_spy]

We needed Kio for leverage. [Against you, in case you turned against Seimei, but also to justify your cooperation to Seven Moons, in case it needed to look like he was armtwisting you. Seimei's strategizing paid off, when Soubi needed to be given a reason not to take Nisei apart.]

Soubi and I could hardly hate each other more. Only one of us would be left, if it weren't for instructions from you and Seimei. But I can assure you that I didn't single him out because he's your fighter or your friend.

Seimei ... isn't giving me anything that would otherwise be yours. When you decide to accept him, he'll probably want you with him all the time. You're a person. [He meant to add something like "I'm just his dog fighter," but it sticks in his throat. Saying that would be embarassing, in a way that it usually isn't, because you think fighters can be people.]

[in_loveless_memory]

Did you know he was going to fake his death?

[bloody_spy]

[Long silence.] I had about five days to acquire the things we'd need, replace his dental records, produce the corpse, and disappear. Seimei likes to keep his next move on a need-to-know basis, but I think that time something forced his hand.

[in_loveless_memory]

Wh-who was killed in his place?

[bloody_spy]

A low-profile enemy of Seimei's. No one you'd know. He seemed to guess what I was there for ... fought me with everything he had, but he was weak.

[Nisei doesn't know who he killed. Some fighter Seimei indicated. Some wretch he hasn't been able to learn anything useful about. That tells him who it wasn't, because his network is extensive. Those he doesn't recognize by name, alone, he knows by reputation. But this one ... wouldn't tell him his real name and Nisei didn't have time to break him properly. It's not something he can ask Seimei. If his sacrifice wanted him to know, he would have explained. Burning a complete stranger to death doesn't unnerve him. Being kept in the dark, though? Would be hard even if Seimei were a lot more trustworthy than he is.]

[in_loveless_memory]

[It didn't matter that it wasn't "any one he would know." It was a person who had a family and a life. Maybe a little brother of his own. And now he was dead.

What else, had his brother done?]

[bloody_spy]

[Nisei can't read your mind, but you look distraught about it. Not quite the effect he was going for.

As for having a family ... fighters normally don't. Not in the way you mean. They aren't raised. They're trained. You think Nisei has parents who would come looking for him if he were killed? He isn't even susceptible to social obligations. One strong, fateful bond seized his heart, and even that is something he's having to adjust to; something he never expected to feel. But being indifferent to the world at large isn't strange, for a fighter. How much consideration do the Zeros show for other people? How about Soubi? Nisei can understand his tolerating Kio, because Seimei always kept his other fighter at arm's length. And Soubi needs to be able to feel the thread coming out of his chest. His whole life is wrapped around it. With a sacrifice who made his presence felt, though ... there would only be one number on his cell phone. You know that, don't you?]

[in_loveless_memory]

Why does the school want to kill him? And what do they want with me?

[bloody_spy]

Your first question is one you should ask Seimei directly. [Nisei is sure he will want to explain that himself. He has no clue what your brother does or doesn't want you to know about it. But it's important enough that telling you something Seimei finds inconvenient could get him in a lot of trouble.]

What they want with you is a little more straightforward. [At least, on its face.] You're a sacrifice with no particular idea of how to be a sacrifice. They want you to stop brushing against the underworld like an outsider and train your powers as LOVELESS.

But you're right to be suspicious of the Academy, because there's a lot of overlap between Goura and Seven Moons. They're trying to turn you against your brother.