bloody_spy | For in_loveless

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ritsuka

For in_loveless_memory.

[Some conversations get personal quickly. But Nisei isn't emotionally invested enough in this one to mind. The serious look you're getting is mostly because he can tell that his smiles and lack of remorse were making you angry.]

[Nisei would emphatically reject the idea that he was forced. He is no one's victim. And he is Seimei's friend, even if it doesn't work both ways. That's normal, for a fighter, though it isn't something he's entirely comfortable with. Not caring is easier to explain than caring. It's a neutral space, in him, where you have a strong feeling. But he's not indifferent to what he did; he's undisturbed by it.]

[He wouldn't want you to insult Seimei, so he doesn't object. As long as you *know* you're letting your brother off the hook for, if anything, the more serious part of this, you aren't going to do anything too drastic to Nisei. As for being "sick" ...] I've been told that. But this is my true face, Ritsuka. I have many that get me in less trouble. But I don't have another one that's really me.

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[Nisei has to force himself not to flinch, at the tone you just used on him, but it's invisible, automatic. You're not Seimei, so that degree of sudden, violent resentment doesn't mean he's about to be cut back down to size. It just means you're a child - used to making a fuss and having to snarl before anyone takes what you're saying seriously. But he does let his smile wear off, before he says anything else, so you don't think he's looking down on you.]

The academy is not my school, except in the sense that I went there. But they reserve the right to break their own rules. Or, you know ... laws of nature, willful brats, and anything else. [He trails off, thinking what to say about BLOODLESS.] Hideo wants answers and revenge. That's part of why he's willing to work with us. The trailing ends that killed his sacrifice are long dead, but he doesn't know who their orders came from. Anyway, he hates Yuri for replacing his partner; for being the inverted equivalent of a blank. He can't kill him, and he can't die. [And there isn't a word for what Yuri is, because it's completely unlike anything that would happen, outside of a particularly demented experiment. Nisei glances at you.] You did realize Yuri's the sacrifice, right?

Yes, I was well aware the she was the sacrifice. But Hideo let her fight alone. They had no desire to work together. And any place that treats people like objects even in this day and age is wrong. [And it was. Nisei could call him foolish and naive all he wanted but the truth was, the system was screwed up and plain wrong.]

[Nisei isn't going to call Ritsuka anything of the sort. He's never liked being treated like a thing with a use; being handled, rather than reasoned with. As Seimei's fighter, he can have stuff he likes, and stuff he hates. He's allowed to get tired and say so. He's allowed to be an impertinent wretch who may *know* his place, but doesn't stay there. Seimei would rather have a fighter who's visibly alive, even if it isn't as obedient, and Nisei's intensely grateful for that.

And yet, he knows your world. Assuming that if it looks like a person and can fake person-ness, it's a human being is ... about the only thing that it has to recommend it. He knows anyone from there would be appalled, at what he puts up with. But they'd be just as horrified that he's killed people, and he really doesn't have any reason to care what they think. He's considered a bad thing here. He'd be considered a bad thing there, if they could see him for what he is. And this, for all the things he doesn't like, still feels like home. His sacrifice more than anything, but all of it. The violence, the magic ... the deception, intrigue, and sense of living beyond all safety measures. Nisei has blood on his hands, and he wouldn't have it otherwise. Even if it kills him, sooner rather than later, it's still better than having to feel like he's in some sort of human zoo, where everyone is being artificially protected from each other. That's all the upper world is, to him: a more boring cage, with lots of empty talk about freedom.]

What I meant was - BLOODLESS is as far from being a team as it gets, without one of them dying. And what makes you think fighters are people, anyway?

I know they're people. Soubi and Natsuo have likes, dislikes. They have desires and wants and needs. They may love their sacrifices, but Natsuo has called Youji stupid. Ai from Breathless has gotten angry, needing to be calmed down. Even the zero girls, went to school and had personalities different from Natsuo and Soubi. If you weren't people, if you weren't individuals, you would all be exactly the same. You, Soubi, Natsuo, Ai, all of you, would be exactly the same because you wouldn't be people. Soubi wouldn't have parents, he would be created in a lab. But even then, Natsuo and Youji care for Nagisa-sensei.

[He was right to ask that. You seem to have a different definition.]

Being an object, specifically, is more of an ideal than a statement of fact. Not all fighters can do that, and not all sacrifices want that. But Soubi is a living thing. With any situation that doesn't affect his sacrifice, he wants or doesn't want, likes or doesn't like, in a disinterested, "but if I get something I hate, it doesn't matter" way. His sense of self is completely negotiable. As long as you're his master, it belongs to you. He is an it because there's nothing about him that isn't under your control. Or ... [amending] couldn't be, if you took control. He wants to be used, but normally, even that wouldn't happen - he wouldn't lay around enough to be able to think "I wish I weren't gathering dust." Your fighter becomes as much a part of you as either of your hands. And you're much more important to him than that. You can survive losing him. Probably. But without you, he'll die. [It's emotionless, matter-of-fact.]

As for ... animals have likes and dislikes. And parents, and feelings. By your definition, they'd be people.

[No, no he refused. He refused to let that be the case. Soubi had been treated that way by others, but Ritsuka wouldn't do that to him. He wouldn't treat Soubi like he was something to order around who had no concerns about what his fighter wanted. He glared at Nisei.]

Do you attend school that isn't Goura? [Which actually made him wonder how Soubi even got into college if he was at Goura for his entire young life.] Do you own things in your name? Soubi paints. No sacrifice has told him to do that. He attends school with other people.

I do. It's useful cover. [He's as casual about actually going to his classes as Soubi, though.] I don't buy anything that expensive. And painting [you get a blank, genuinely puzzled look] ... what makes you think he wasn't ordered to do that?

What do you mean?

Ritsu-sensei's students tend to have something they can do really well, apart from fighting. Actually, it's not generally one thing. I'm guessing Soubi can also cook and treat injuries and stuff. But there's one thing that has no obvious, practical application. You'd have to ask him what it's for. [It's pretty clear from the emphasis he puts on the word that he means Ritsu, not Soubi.] It's classic, though. Not optional. Fighters that are being trained as objects don't get free time. And much less art supplies.

I don't believe you. And yes, while Soubi can cook and tend small injuries even I can do that. [~~Not a good counter example, Ritsuka~~] He enjoys drawing. He's even taken me to comic conventions. [He's unaware Soubi has never before gone before Ritsuka's own interest.]

[Nisei's silent for a moment, trying to decide whether to pull apart your argument. It would be easy. He knows painting is something Soubi does when he doesn't have anything important to be doing. He knows Soubi drops everything for you, just as he used to drop everything for Seimei, without the slightest regret. Without so much as a backwards glance for his unfinished projects and precarious grades. That isn't his future. And it's only his present as long as it's convenient. But do you really need to know? Is it worth arguing about, when you clearly don't want to believe it? In this case, it isn't.]

Okay. I ... you don't have to believe me.

[He shuts up, letting your assertions fill the space and silence. And watching, to see if you'll really cling to them, just because it hurt not to. He knows, with that uncanny sense he has for what people are feeling, that there's doubt in you.]

[Nisei agreeing with him is far creepier than anything else he's done. It makes him question exactly what just happened. Why did he say such a thing? His tail swished quickly and he had to look back at the conversation.]

[That is one suspicious look, Ritsuka. Nisei is resolutely keeping his expression open and pleasant. Well, why shouldn't he? He's done nothing wrong. The silence hangs a little, but he doesn't give any sign of having noticed it.

In the very, very back of his mind, something whispers smugly: take all the time you need, little sacrifice.]

[You're a suspicious person, Nisei. He finally asks.]

If Soubi... was an object... if all fighters were objects... does... that mean even the Loveless fighter... will they think the same?

That would depend on how they were trained. [It's careful, measured.]

Would you like your fighter better, if he didn't?

[Nisei doesn't actually have to hear what you'll say to that. He knows. What he wants ... is for you to feel it. For air and light to touch that truth. He knows you might hurt him for doing that to you. But he doesn't care. You're tougher than you look. You won't break, just from knowing what's really there.]

[Would he? He thinks he would. He should. He's told Soubi time and time again that he wants him to think for himself, he wants Soubi to stop thinking of himself as a tool. But... sometimes... Sometimes he likes knowing Soubi would always do what he really ordered. He wanted to go to a comic convention, they went. He wanted Soubi to get him the codes related to his brothers, he did. But he's seen fighters who don't want to do what their sacrifices say. Mei, Bloodless, even Ai. And Ritsuka knew... nothing of the fighter world.

What would that mean then? What if his fighter was as ignorant as he was? Why else did no one seem to know who or where his fighter was?

Why did he want a fighter anyways? Why did he want a fighter? He didn't want to be a part of that world?

Did he?]

[One thing being Seimei's fighter has taught him is how to be unobtrusive while someone's trying to think. Nisei eyes you, occasionally, to gauge your expression, but mostly he's looking at other things. It removes the pressure to talk, even though he technically asked a question. He's not giving off any sign that he's waiting for you. More like ... it just conveniently occurred to him to be still.]

I don't know.

[He finally, honestly, responded.]

[That turns his head in your direction, and puts a less-than-pleasant smile on his face. Darkness shimmers in the depths of his eyes.]

Don't know, or don't want to accept what you're feeling?

["I should want" is meaningless, for a sacrifice. But he's cautious about telling you so.]

Don't presume to know what I'm feeling. [He hisses. Did he want a fighter who thought himself like an object. Even Natsuo, for all his independence, saw himself as solely belonging to Youji.]

[Nisei briefly considers pointing out that "I don't know" isn't a feeling. It's the avoidance of one. But he doesn't. Instead, you get a half-ironic ...]

Understood.

[Not that your words actually have the weight of an order.]

[His eyes suddenly widened when he realized what happened. He... had slipped into it so easily. Soubi kept asking again and again to be ordered. Even Natsuo would obey orders if they were direct. When he saw when fighters didn't... obey... like Mei. Things... fell apart.]

[You did. Nisei has to smile, at the fact that you don't have any qualms about telling him what to do. Except when you notice you're doing it. Except when he points it out, like he just did. His voice is soft, like he's running his tongue over an open wound to make it hurt less.]

The world you came from is at least as messed up as the one you really belong to. But if you care about what's right, and what isn't, you can't count on what you were told.

Soubi doesn't need you to be nice to him. Whether he's like that because he's a fighter, or he's like that because he was trained, it can't be undone. Enjoying him doesn't make you Ritsu-sensei.

[He's seen some of what goes into training objects, and you wouldn't be remotely capable of it.]

Then maybe I'm not meant to be a Sacrifice. Everyone is so sure that's what I'm supposed to be. But what makes me any different from someone not in that stupid underworld? I don't have a name anywhere, no matter how many times you all call me Loveless. Our parents sure as hell never were involved in this or someone would have insisted on telling me they were. But all of a sudden, Seimei is involved and now I am.

WHY? Who decides who is a Sacrifice? What makes me LOOK like a Sacrifice?

[He was so sick of this. So sick of being dragged around by the nose and not being told anything.] I can't do spell battles, the only reason I even found out about the threads or the ability to sense other pairs was because Natsuo told me. And even after being shown, I don't see it and I can't do it. Where is the "Loveless" fighter if I am in fact the sacrifice? AND WHY WAS I ONLY TOLD NOW? Clearly they don't have an issue with involving little kids since Mei is younger than me and Soubi even younger when he was inducted into this!

[Nisei is making an invisible effort not to roll his eyes at you, with your repetitive variations on "what if I'm not who everyone thinks I am?" He knows why you're insecure about that. But asking him how he knows you're a sacrifice is like asking him to prove you're a human and not a rabbit; the "where do I even begin?" is preceded by a resentful stab of "why is this even necessary?"

Though he can see that it's also hard on you, and his annoyance isn't really comparable to your disorientation, empathy has never been one of his qualities. He's faking patience. But he's good at it.]

You ask even more questions than I did. [He grins.] And I don't come from a family, so there was a lot I didn't believe. My parents were outsiders. Anyway, you can - you are doing spell battles. If you weren't a sacrifice, no one could use you as an anchor. The first spell that got through Soubi's guard would finish you, because a perfectly normal amount of restriction could pulp your throat. I've seen the chains wrap around you. I've put them there myself. There's no way you're anything but a sacrifice.

[Nisei has other ways of knowing this, but he's pretty sure any explanation that started with "I can feel your energy. It's unmistakable," would freak you out.]

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in_loveless_memory - 2012-03-03 06:29 (UTC) - Expand

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bloody_spy - 2012-03-03 17:39 (UTC) - Expand

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